Category Archives: Un-Classified

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Anthropology, Meditation, Un-Classified

(1977) Lisa to Clifford.. this workboot shoe represents your future!

Dearest Clifford:

This shoe (workboot) represents your future!

Your drive and ambition will cause you to wear out many pairs of workboots just like this one.  This boot is my wish to you for happiness.  Unlike regular workboots, this workboot will never wearout, because if it does, it will represent the failure to follow your dreams!

This boot is small like you in comparison to the big world, but powerful in its potential.

Treat this boot as you would me, gentle and kind.

Like this boot, of which many hours were spent to make it, is our friendship which will never wear out, either.  Go more quietly and softly along your path to success; the world can’t be conquered by a voice!

Love to you on your birthday, spend it wisely.

Lisa

 

Frugal Living, Meditation, Un-Classified

25 Little Known Facts About Forrest Gump.

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Forrest Gump, made in 1994, is heartbreaking, odd, and beautiful. Breath taking performances by a stellar cast of actors guarantees this film to be a delight every time.

1/25. Bill Murray, John Travolta and Chevy Chase turned down the role of Forrest Gump. Travolta later admitted that passing on the role was a mistake.

2/25. Tom Hanks’ younger brother Jim Hanks doubled for him in many of his numerous running sequences.

3/25. Tom Hanks signed onto the film after an hour and a half of reading the script but agreed only to take the role if the film was historically accurate. He initially wanted to ease Forrest’s pronounced Southern accent, but was eventually persuaded by director Robert Zemeckis to portray the heavy accent stressed in the novel and patterned his accent after Michael Conner Humphreys (young Forrest) who actually talked that way.

 

 

4/25. Tom Hanks wasn’t paid for the film. Instead he took percentage points which ultimately netted him in the region of $40 million.


5/25. When Forrest gets up to talk at the Vietnam rally in Washington, the microphone plug is pulled and you cannot hear him. According to Tom Hanks, he says, “Sometimes when people go to Vietnam, they go home to their mommas without any legs. Sometimes they don’t go home at all. That’s a bad thing. That’s all I have to say about that.”


6/25. The line, “My name is Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump,” was ad libbed by Tom Hanks while filming the scene. Director Robert Zemeckis liked it so much that he decided to keep it in

7/25. With every transition of Forrest’s age, one thing remains the same – in the first scene of each transition he wears a blue plaid shirt.

8/25. Forrest and Dan’s Shrimp Emporium “Bubba Gump”, is now a themed restaurant in 33 locations around the world in the U.S., Japan, China, Mexico, Malaysia, Philippines, Indonesia and the UK. There is one in Orlando, Florida, at the entrance to the Universal theme parks, at the Anaheim Gardenwalk in walking distance from Disneyland Park in Anaheim, California in the Los Angeles area and at Pleasure Pier in Galveston, Texas.

9/25. When Forrest first learns to play ping-pong in the infirmary, he is told the trick is to “keep his eye on the ball” by another soldier. After that moment, whenever he is shown playing ping-pong, he never blinks.

 

 

10/25. The actor who plays the reporter on the scene when Tom Hanks visits Washington DC after his tour in Vietnam was, himself, an actual tourist from Atlanta, Georgia. He happened to be on Capitol Hill that day with his wife, and was asked to read.


11/25. Many of the extras in the hippie scene were actors from the Maryland Renaissance Festival, since the casting director Ellen Lewis realized that would be a good source of performers with long hair.


12/25. Gary Sinise’s lower legs were wrapped in a special blue fabric that allowed them to be digitally removed later.

13/25. During the ping-pong matches, there was no ball; it was entirely CGI, animated to meet the actors’ paddles.

14/25. The running scene was inspired by an actual event. In 1982, Louis Michael Figueroa, aged 16, ran from New Jersey to San Francisco for the American Cancer Society, unknowingly inspiring a line for Forrest Gump’s famous run on the silver screen. “I just put one foot in front of the other,” it goes. “When I get tired I sleep. When I get hungry I eat. When I have to go to the bathroom, I go.”

15/25. The park bench that Tom Hanks sat on for much of the movie was located in historic Savannah, Georgia, at Chippewa Square. The fiberglass bench he sat on, since then, has been removed and placed into a museum to avoid being destroyed by bad weather, or possibly stolen. The church where the feather first falls was about 100 yards just down the street from the bench. To this day, the bench is held in the Savannah History Museum, Savannah, Georgia.

 

 

16/25. Gump’s Medal of Honor ceremony uses the footage of the actual ceremony for Sammy L. Davis, who was awarded the Medal of Honor on 19 November 1968 by President Lyndon Johnson for his actions in Vietnam a year earlier. Tom Hanks’ head was superimposed on Davis’ body.

17/25. When Lt. Dan Taylor first meets Forrest and Bubba in Vietnam, he says, “You must be my FNGs”. Generally speaking, this stands for “F*ckin’ New Guys”.

18/25. Every still picture of Forrest during this film shows Tom Hanks with his eyes closed.

19/25. Robin Wright was sick with a cold while shooting the nightclub scene. In spite of this, she was still able to perform her own singing during a non-stop twenty-four hour shoot in which she was nearly nude except for her guitar.

20/25. David Alan Grier, Ice Cube and Dave Chappelle turned down the role of Bubba. Cube refused to play someone with a disability and Chappelle thought the movie would bomb. Chappelle has since admitted to deeply regretting not taking the role.

21/25. Kurt Russell has said that he did the voice of Elvis Presley (uncredited) in the film, reprising his role from Elvis (1979).

22/25. The shrimp boat used in the film now resides in the moat surrounding the Planet Hollywood restaurant in Downtown Disney, at the Disney World Resort in Florida. Also, one of the ping-pong paddles used in the film is signed by Tom Hanks and hung up on one of the walls inside the restaurant.

 

 

23/25. On the day that Tom Hanks shot the football running scenes he had been suffering from influenza.

24/25. Sally Field is only ten years older than Tom Hanks.

25/25. When this film became wildly successful, talk of a sequel naturally arose. However, at the time, Tom Hanks adamantly refused to work in any sequel (and making the sequel with another actor was not a consideration).

Humor, Meditation, Un-Classified

Age 75+ Long-Term Care Plan: Medicare – Part G – Nursing Home Alternative

Medicare – Part G – Nursing Home Plan
MediCare with Plan G (gun)

A zero premium, no deductible Long -Term Health Care Plan

If you are an older senior citizen (75 or older) who can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no nursing home care available for you, what can you do?

Opt for Medicare Part G.

Part G gives the older senior citizen (75 or older) a Gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, three meals a day, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need including dentures, glasses, hearing aids, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart or sex change. They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now. Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford to provide nursing home care for you.

This plan allows you to get rid of a useless politician, and as a prisoner you don’t have to pay any more income taxes!

Meditation, Un-Classified

The Murphy Twins are Drunk Again

drunkagain

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

 The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

 The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

 The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

 The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

 ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

Meditation, Un-Classified

Quickly Destroy Cancer Cells With Plant “Wormwood”

Plant “Wormwood” is capable of rapid destruction of cancer cells

Sunday February 28, 2016 – 20:30
Artemisia_annua_28022016.jpg

BAGHDAD (obelisk) – Scientists from the University of California discovered that wormwood (Artemisia) is capable of destroying 98 percent of the cancer cells in the body in just 16 hours.

This discovery made the experts are working on creating a medical preparation by which to eliminate the disease Completely cancer.

The experts discovered that wormwood produces a artemizinin where clinical tests have shown that a dose of this medication is enough to destroy 98 percent of cancer cells in the body within 16 hours.

In the opinion of scientists, when you add iron to 100 percent of this preparation will destroy cancer cells in the body and prevents the emergence of new cancer cells.

It should be noted that the use alone could eliminate 28 percent of the cancer cells in the body wormwood plant Holi, but when you add the iron component of the mix destroy all the cancer cells in the body. In addition to the tests showed that this plant does not affect healthy cells.

Artemizinin material used in the prevention of malaria, but scientists have proved that the plant wormwood Holi is very effective in the fight against cancer.

Holi wormwood plant Artemisia annua, a type of wormwood plants, fragrant essential oils and custom height ranges between 50 and 150 cm, and his papers Khamlih blade and Qnabath transparent and veins striking green.

Ozahrarh and continue in the months of July and August, and spread in various parts of the world.

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Un-Classified

Post Modern F-idiots: What Happens If You Pay With a Two-Dollar Bill ?

The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn’t one of those “had to be there” things, but the world today just has too many Fricken Idiots for my liking.

On my way home from the second job I’ve taken to get my mind off the lawsuit I’ve had with my sister, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold was a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That was all the cash I had on me.   So, I figured that with a $2 bill, I could get something to eat and not worry about people getting twisted over my purchase.  Boy — was I wrong:

two-dollar-bill

Me: “Hi, I’d like one regular plain burrito please, to go.”

Server: “Is that it?”

Me: “Yep.”

Server: “That’ll be $1.04.. eat here?”

Me: “No thanks, it’s “TO-GO” [I hate effort duplication]

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and . . .

Server: “Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: “Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”

Manager: “No. A what?”

Server: “A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”

Manager: “Ask for something else, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.”

Server: “Yeah, thought so.”

He comes back to me and says:

Server: “We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?”

Me: “Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”

Server: “I don’t know.”

Me: “See here where it says legal tender?”

Server: “Yeah.”

Me: “So, shouldn’t you take it?”

Server: “Well, hang on a sec.”

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift.

Server: “He says I have to take it.”

Manager: “Doesn’t he have anything else?”

Server: “Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.”

Manager: “I’M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.” [My emphasis]

Server: “What should I do?”

Manager: “Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.”

Server: “I can’t tell him that, you tell him.”

Manager: “Just tell him.”

Server: “No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.”

The manager approaches me and says:

Manager: “Sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.” [It was 7-p.m. and this particular Taco Bell in Sacramento is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores all open.]

Me: “Well, here’s a two.”

Manager: “We don’t take those either.”

Me: “Why the hell not?”

Manager: “I think you know why.”

Me: “No really, tell me, why?”

Manager: “Please leave before I call mall security.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “Please leave before I call mall security.”

Me: “What the hell for?”

Manager: “Please, sir.”

Me: “Uh, go ahead, call them.”

Manager: “Would you please just leave?”

Me: “No.”

Manager: “Fine, have it your way then.”

Me: “No, that’s Burger King’s catch-phrase, isn’t it?”

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.  I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.  A few minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]:

Security: “Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”

Manager: “This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.”

Security: “Really? What?”

Manager: “Get this, a two dollar bill.”

Security: “Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?” [Incredulous]

Manager: “I don’t know? He’s kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.”

Security: “So, the fifty’s fake?”

Manager: “NO, the $2 is.”

Security: “Why would he fake a $2 bill?”

Manager: “I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”

Security: “Yeah…”

Security guard walks over to me and says:

Security: “Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Security: “Lemme see ’em.”

Me: “Why?”

Security: “Do you want me to get the cops in here?”

At this point I was ready to say, “SURE, PLEASE,” but I wanted to eat, so I said:

“I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.”

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says..

Security: “Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”

Manager: “It’s fake.”

Security: “It doesn’t look fake to me.”

Manager: “But it’s a $2 bill.”

Security: “Yeah?”

Manager: “Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was a Fricken  idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. (LOL)

So, I got my burrito for FREE and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too.   I think I’ll go get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff! (LOL).

If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail but at least I’d get free food. (LOL)

Meditation, Un-Classified

Humor: do the math using 18 and 54

A Husband Admits to His Wife That He’s Cheating. Her Response Had Me …

This is a letter exchange between a husband and wife. It is an interesting story that should really get you chuckling once you reach the second letter. Find out how this awesome lady responded to her husband’s disgusting and totally disrespectful letter.

She was probably hurt at first after reading that insensitive letter but instead of bursting into tears and feeling helpless, check out her brilliant answer, it was totally perfect!

A 54 year old husband wrote this letter to his wife and left it on the dining room table:

wife-to-husband-letter-1of2

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don’t be upset — I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found a letter on the dining room table.

wife-to-husband-letter-2of2

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and, like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference — 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Don’t wait up. I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Economy, Un-Classified

Free Candy Bar over Free 10 oz Silver Bar

People Choose Free Candy Bar over Free 10 oz Silver Bar (Worth $150) in Experiment

Media analyst Mark Dice offers random people their choice of a Hershey chocolate bar or a 10 oz silver bar (Worth $150) in an experiment. You have to see what happened next!

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Meditation, Un-Classified

Why Steve Jobs Didn’t Let His Kids Use iPads

Source: http://nextshark.com/why-steve-jobs-didnt-let-his-kids-use-ipads-and-why-you-shouldnt-either/
If you fall within the Gen-Y era like us, chances are you’ve given a bunch of thought as to how you would raise your own children in this day and age (assuming you don’t have children already). Especially with technology, so much has changed since our childhoods in the 90s. Here’s one question: Would you introduce the technological wonder/heroin that is the iPod and iPad to your kids?

Steve Jobs wouldn’t, and for good reason too.

Steve-Jobs-and-family

In a Sunday article, New York Times reporter Nick Bilton said he once assumingly asked Jobs, “So your kids must love the iPad?”

Jobs responded: “They haven’t used it. We limit how much technology our kids use at home.” Especially in Silicon Valley, there is actually a trend of tech execs and engineers who shield their kids from technology. They even send their kids to non-tech schools like the Waldorf School in Los Altos, where computers aren’t found anywhere because they only focus on hands-on learning.

There is a quote that was highlighted in The Times by Chris Anderson, CEO of 3D Robotics and a father of five. He explains what drives those who work in tech to keep it from their kids.

“My kids accuse me and my wife of being fascists and overly concerned about tech, and they say that none of their friends have the same rules… That’s because we have seen the dangers of technology firsthand. I’ve seen it in myself, I don’t want to see that happen to my kids.”

If our current addictions to our iPhones and other tech is any indication, we may be setting up our children for incomplete, handicapped lives devoid of imagination, creativity and wonder when we hook them onto technology at an early age. We were the last generation to play outside precisely because we didn’t have smartphones and laptops. We learned from movement, hands-on interaction, and we absorbed information through books and socialization with other humans as opposed to a Google search.

Learning in different ways has helped us become more well-rounded individuals — so, should we be more worried that we are robbing our children of the ability to Snapchat and play “Candy Crush” all day if we don’t hand them a smartphone, or should we more worried that we would be robbing them of a healthier, less dependent development if we do hand them a smartphone? I think Steve Jobs had it right in regard to his kids.

So the next time you think about how you will raise your kids, you may want to (highly) consider not giving them whatever fancy tech we’ll have while they are growing up. Play outside with them and surround them with nature; they might hate you, but they will absolutely thank you for it later, because I’m willing to bet that’s exactly how many of us feel about it now that we are older

Meditation, Un-Classified

Bruce Lipton, Ph.D. Epigenetics: The science of Human Empowerment

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naysayerThrough the research of Dr. Lipton and other leading-edge scientists, stunning new discoveries have been made about the interaction between your mind and body and the processes by which cells receive information. It shows that genes and DNA do not control our biology, that instead DNA is controlled by signals from outside the cell, including the energetic messages emanating from our thoughts. He demonstrates how the new science of Epigenetics is revolutionizing our understanding of the link between mind and matter and the profound effects it has on our personal lives and the collective life of our species.
 

Un-Classified

Don’t Mess With The Old People and Don’t Audit Grandpa

Don’t audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.  The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’  The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’  Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’  The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops……

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.  Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

NOW, the original..

1-Paddys-audit-pisses-on-desk

2-Paddys-audit-pisses-on-desk

3-Paddys-audit-pisses-on-desk

4-Paddys-audit-pisses-on-desk

PADDY’S AUDIT CARTOON BASED ON THE JOKE:

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and
summons him to an appointment with the most thorough
auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised
when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, ‘Well, sir, you have an
extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling.. I’m not sure the Inland Revenue finds that
believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Paddy. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. You’re on!’
Paddy says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘No way! It’s a bet.’
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor’s jaw drops.
Paddy says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Paddy isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has
bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy’s
solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Would you like to go double or nothing?’ Paddy
asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side
of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the
other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he
looks carefully and decides there’s no way Paddy can
manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his
trousers, but although he strains for all his worth
he can’t make the stream reach the bin on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the
auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy’s solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the solicitor.

‘This morning, when Paddy told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk – and that you’d be happy about it.’

Meditation, Un-Classified

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.  Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said:

“Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shoot” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted”

Meditation, Un-Classified

Cop Asks Why This Man Doesn’t Have A Last Name

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Cop Asks Why This Man Doesn’t Have A Last Name

 An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred,’ he replies. 

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

Un-Classified

How to Get More Than 100% From Life

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Get MORE than 100% from Life with Mathematical Certainty

Want to succeed in life? This is a mathematical certain way you can.

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.  It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ….. mathematical viewpoint… and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there.

Its the Bullshoot and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

Un-Classified

Effortless Grace and Elegance while Contemporary and Daring

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The most potent and technologically advanced Rolls-Royce in history, Wraith is a car for the curious, the confident and the bold.

wraithThe striking fastback silhouette exudes elegance and power. The aerodynamic lines and wide rear track reinforce the promise of athletic prowess and dynamism, which is further accentuated by the prominent shoulders.  The compelling design can be further enhanced by exclusive two-tone paint combinations, which add definition and provide even more opportunity for you to personalize this beautiful car to your style.

WRAITH – make my world stand still

 

Un-Classified

Tampon Pocket Tazer Stun Gun – a gift for your spouse

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If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!  ONLY A DUNCE WOULD ATTEMPT THIS.

Try reading this without laughing your but off, as a guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!

tampon-tazer-stun-gun

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head angled to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

tazer-shocked

 

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all  over the living room.

WARNING:  If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution — there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS:

My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Meditation, Un-Classified

An Angel or Super-human Teleportation (video)

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Teleportation

 

Superhuman person or alien saves a man on a motorbike from complete destruction by teleporting him a few meters away in less than a second, and then flees the scene as quickly as possible.

Teleportation caught on captured CCTV China Asia Superhuman Alien Extraterrestrial Super hero.

A few observations from the footage, and just some thoughts about what you are about to see! Enjoy the video!:

  1. The truck driver swerves to his left at the last second slightly and leaves dark skid marks behind.
  2. The spot the motorbike man is teleported from, there is a dark round imprint left on the road and the same around the new position which both gradually fade away after a few seconds (while the skid marks remain). The truck driver can be observed looking at the dark ring closest to him in confusion, as it fades away (he looks right at this spot). Also, he doesn’t know whether to go and apologise to the motorbike man because he isn’t sure if it’s who he thought he was about to run over, so he wanders around dazed (most likely questioning his own sanity).
  3. The superhuman person (teleporter/jumper) seems to have rather large hands which appear unusually bright white (unless wearing gloves) and is quick to put them in pockets while fleeing the scene. Why flee the scene so quickly? The superhuman could be afraid of being different / rejection from society and so does not want recognition for the heroic act. Or perhaps the hoody is hiding a distinct alien appearance.
  4. The motorbike man sits on the kerb totally bewildered (in shock) trying to figure out where he went and how he survived and ended up safely behind the truck with a random person in a hoody by his side.
  5. The superhuman person likely does not say a word to either of the men, and does not want to acknowledge the intervention at all.
  6. The mysterious hooded figure leaves the scene in a similar direction to whence it came when first bursting on to the scene, which is consistent.

Un-Classified

Shooting the BIGGEST Guns

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The Big Sandy Shoot of BIG Guns (2013)

Big-Sandy-Shoot-logo

Let’s take a video trip to Arizona and watch people shoot some absolutely ridiculous and unnecessarily HUGE guns.  We will get a lesson in heavy artillery at the Big Sandy Shoot, where gun enthusiasts gather in Arizona’s western desert to test their rifles, canons, and machine guns.

Big-Sandy-Shoot-at-night

Hosted by Thomas Morton | Originally aired in 2012 on http://VICE.com

Follow Thomas on Twitter – http://twitter.com/Babyballs69

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